AskAdri: Proud, Worried, Scared
Adri,
In the span of a few days, two members of my family came out to me. My younger brother, who was recently diagnosed with autism, shared that he is gay and has been carrying this largely alone. The next day, my 12-year-old niece called me and said she thinks she might be trans and I’m the only person she’s told.
I love them both deeply, and I’m honored they trust me. I responded with care, reassurance, and calm. Outwardly, I think I did the right things. Inwardly, I’m feeling a mix of pride, fear, and shame, especially the shame that I lived so close to my brother for years without realizing how alone he felt. I always had a feeling so I’m not really surprised, but I’m sad thinking of him holding this inside for so long alone.
I want to support them well without overstepping, rushing them, or becoming the sole container for things that may eventually need broader support—especially given a family culture that isn’t always affirming. And tbh, I am overwhelmed. I’m overwhelmed thinking of this queer autistic kind man and my beautiful, super smart, mixed-race niece and how the world is going to treat them. I’m overwhelmed thinking of holding this from my family (which I will 1000% be doing, no question). How do I show up consistently and safely for both of them while also taking care of my own emotional limits?
- Proud, Worried, Scared (P.W.S.)
Dear Proud, Worried, Scared,
The impulse to care is deeply human, and sacred. Never ever lose it. You feel afraid because caring connects us to others—it makes us feel responsible for one another. And the good and/or bad news is, we are.
So first things first: there is no reason for you to feel shame—and more importantly, there is no value in it, for you or your loved ones. Where people’s identities are concerned, you didn’t necessarily “miss” anything. It isn’t our job to sniff out the truth of people—it’s our job to love and accept them when they offer that truth to us.
So, congratulations, P.W.S., on being the type of person that your loved ones see as safe enough to hold their vulnerability—and possibly wise enough to help them navigate it. They chose to confide in you because they believe in your ability to show up—for them, and for things like this. Let their confidence in you make you brave.
To your actual question—how do you show up safely and consistently while also taking care of your own emotional limits? Well, not to get on my “it takes a village” hilltop (one of my faves, tho!), but the belief that it must be you and only you to show up, to care, to bridge whatever gap yawns before these young ones and the world—that is a lie. You CANNOT be everything. You CAN be a link (hopefully one of many) in the chain that tethers them with love to this world. Reframing in that way hopefully makes this feel less daunting.
Now that you know you don’t have to be everything—focus on what you can be in this situation. And take credit for what you have already been—a safe space, someone who has offered acceptance and calm, someone who is willing to take their lead and honor their request for privacy (for now). You will be surprised at what is enough—what makes a difference.
And if you are driven to do more? In the short term, consider connecting them to community members who share their identity and sharing media or organizations that align with their lived experiences. There are many ways for you to be supportive without needing to be an expert in a reality that is not your own.
In the long term, I would also suggest getting comfortable with discomfort and conflict—if the family culture is something you know is not affirming, that is something you have the power to name and to push against, so that these young people who NEED it to be that do not have to fight for it on their own.
You are allowed to step back, to take breaks, to admit that it can feel hard to show up for others when the world we live in demands so much of us individually. Take it one day at a time and know that some days you may make a difference that spans a lifetime. You also have to know that your limits may need to expand in service of loving others. That is growth. It is love. It is good work.
Also—you might find that the privacy (secrecy) you are respecting FOR them comes easy because it also serves you. When they are ready to be more open, you should be ready to stand beside them in the light. That is the simple, quotidien bravery they will need most from their inner circle—the kind of love and support and insistence of their inherent dignity that does not protect them from the worst of the world completely, but insulates them against it. You cannot make them impervious to harm—only resilient.
Changing the world sounds overwhelming because it is—our greatest sphere of influence isn’t the great big nebulous world, it is the tiny circles of community we occupy within it.
Yours in shared pride, worry, terror, (and so much hope,)
Adri
